This may be a dumb question, but do you ever get on your own damn nerves?  Do you ever just get mad at yourself?  Not, say, for handling something the wrong way or for not saying something a certain way in one particular situation.  I’m talking “just mad” at yourself for the way. you. are.

Well I do.  And I’m really annoyed at myself these days.  There are days when I’m somewhat ok.  There are days when I do the right things, say the right things, act right.

Then there are the rest of them. Like now.

I mean, what possessed me to make a snide comment to an acquaintance about someone else?  She and I aren’t even that close — just friends as a result of working together on parent-related things with our kids’ school.  The comment didn’t add anything to the conversation — in fact, I feel certain it subtracted something — and was totally unnecessary.

Do you ever feel like you just try too hard?  Talk too much?  Need to shut the hell up?  That’s how I feel about myself these days.  Not just with regard to the above.  With regard to everything.

There are close friends that I can say anything to, and I always follow it with, “well, yeah, I’m goin’ to hell” or something like that.  And they are the same way with me.  They are the people with whom I can let down my guard and say whatever.  And that’s not what this is about.

This is about trying to come across to people in a certain way.  And the self-sabotage that I often commit along the way.

This isn’t about the stupid thing I said the other night.  Not entirely.

It’s about how I am.

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