Well, you know a birthday means only one thing. You are a year older. And you know what comes with that. You ever so slowly start. Losing. Your. Freaking. Mind.

Let me explain.

I’ve been worried that I was being stalked online. Didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to jump the gun. Wanted to have all my little duckies in a row before I alerted, you know, whoever, like the internet police. Don’t laugh…I don’t know.

So I have been monitoring the situation. Waiting for the right time to announce to Mr. Stalker Man that I am not amused, and that I can track his little IP address and call out the big guns on him.

Actually, I have no clue how to track someone down using an IP address. I’m kinda dumb that way. And this whole little non-bloggy thing is completely free, as is my sitemeter that is telling me Mr. Stalker Man is coming to get me. So they sure aren’t going to help.

By last night, I was sure of it. My sitemeter can tell, as many of you are aware, the locations of my readers, when they were on, etc. (For those of you that are as paranoid as I am, rest assured — it cannot tell me who you are.) It’s all pretty basic. But I had been noticing that one particular IP address was logging on an inordinate number of times. I mean, I know I’m interesting, but day-amn. And what was particularly unsettling was the fact that his geographic location was just minutes away from where I live. As in most cities, there are different little towns, suburbs, etc. that have a different name but are really just part of the larger city. This was getting scary. Whoever it was was logging onto my page a lot. I mean a lot. I’d log on to check my stats, and there he was. The next day, I’d check, and he’d (I immediately assumed it was a he — I’m just like that) have been on — several times. Now what exactly I thought he would do, I have no clue. But I started envisioning all sorts of evil being thrust upon my poor family. Or, quite frankly, on ME. (Told you, this is really all about ME.)

By last night it had gotten really bad. Many log-ons. It was just a matter of time before I was another statistic. So I decided I was going to read into the sitemeter info and see what I could do about locating this obvious perv. Clicked on the “manage” tab. Started reading. Clicked more. Now I was getting somewhere. The crime was closer and closer to getting solved. His identity was soon to be revealed.

And then, it happened. I figured him out. He. Was.


Yep. It was me. What a moron, huh? See, I had told sitemeter to ignore my visits. And it was doing a great job of doing that.

From my work address.

Never once thought about ignoring the visits from my home computer. And as I got more and more freaked out, I logged on more and more, trying to catch the guy. Each visit counted. Each one. By last night, late, when I was getting more and more nervous, I logged on approximately a gazillion times. And he was always there.

I clicked the “ignore visits from this…” and my stalker was gone. Just like that.

Remember the day I quoted Steven Wright? “Wherever you go, there you are”?