“Welcome to Mc in the Box, would you like to try one of our new Ciabatta whoppers?”
“Uh, well, what comes on it?”
“Oh, it’s the same nasty-ass meat patty. We just put it on fancy bread so we can charge you more for it.”
“Oh, okay. I’ll have one. With the meal deal.”
“Would you like curly fries or regular?”
“Regular, please.”
“Okay, we’ll be sure to put curly fries in there, then.”
“Oh, and no mustard. Just mayo, please.”
“Ok, we’ll be sure to leave off the mayo and slather the whole damn thing with so much mustard you can’t taste the nasty-ass meat patty.”
“Can you add cheese to that?”
“No, we can tell you we are adding cheese to it, then we’ll leave it off and still charge you 80 extra cents.”
“Ok, good. Thanks
“Will that complete your order?”
“No, I need to tell you what drink I want.”
“Oh, no need. We’re going to give you root beer, even though you hate root beer and want diet coke.”
“Oh, okay, well good, then.”
“Would you like to supersize that meal?”
“Well, then, can I at least interest you in supersizing the drink?”
“Oh, yes, to a drink that is larger than my head and won’t fit in the cupholder?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Sure. Go ahead. The only thing I hate more than root beer is a large amount of root beer, watered down and sloshing all over my car.”
“Thanks, ma’am. Supersize your fry order?”
“Do you promise to forget the salt and ketchup?”
“Of course.”
“Go ahead then.”
“Would you care for a side salad with that order?”
“Um, no. I just ordered a week’s worth of fat and salt.”
“But I really need to be able to charge you more.”
“No, that’s okay. Besides, the carrots taste like mothballs.”
“Oh, yes ma’am, we try our best.”
“And if I did order the salad, you would only pretend to put salad dressing in the bag, along with the imaginary croutons and bacon bits.”
“That’s right, ma’am.”
“Okay, well what’s my total?”
“Wait one minute, ma’am. I can give you your total as soon as I put your curly fries in the cooler for a few minutes. That way they’ll be nice and cold when I give you the bag.”
“Oh, thanks. Can you be sure to overcharge me?”
“Of course, ma’am.”
“You guys are great. Thanks.”
“Can you pull up, please? Although it’s straight up noon, we didn’t think to cook enough burgers for the lunch rush and you are going to have to sit a few more minutes.”
“Oh, I’d expect nothing less.”