Top o’ the mornin’ to you all. No, I’m not Irish. I just thought I needed a happy morning greeting given my funk of yesterday. I’m much better today — albeit exhausted from watching UT knock USC from their [sniff] lofty perch. But it was worth every minute of the late bedtime and this very sleepy, lazy morning. Fortunately, everyone else around here feels the same way right now, so I’m not anticipating anyone expecting anything like, well, work, from me. But before you all start hollering at me to take this to a Yahoo Sports chat room, I’ll stop. But not before I thumb my nose at USC and nyah-nyah-nyah them one more time. Ok, really, I’m going, I’m going.

So I was on the elevator this morning, heading for the coffee shop because I needed a BIG cappuccino BECAUSE I STAYED UP LATE WATCHING UT KICK ASS before I got started with my non-work. It was just before 9, and since court starts at 9, the elevator activity was in full swing. So as we stopped at each floor, I noticed how many freakin’ people don’t use proper elevator etiquette. Yes, there is such a thing. I made it up. And the book, which is all in my head, has been atop the imaginary bestseller list for years. So why do people insist on breaking all the rules? Exhibit A. The doors open, and people are waiting to get on. But first, there are people waiting to get off. What is so hard about stepping back and letting the people in the elevator get off, thereby making room, before you barge in? I mean, okay, I know we are dealing with limited potential here. If you are in the courthouse, you (a) have done something stupid and are about to go before a judge and be told how stupid it really was, (b) filed a lawsuit, thinking you are going to make some money, (c) have been sued and are therefore about to lose some money (so why are you here???), or (d) stupid enough to work in government. So there’s not a lot of common sense to spare around here. But how hard is it, really? These people come barreling onto the elevator, place their order for what floor they would like (excuse me, do I have a funny little bellman cap on?), and stand there, clueless, while the people who want to get off try to manage their way out before the doors close. Excuse me, could you at least hold the door open while you’re blocking my way?

Then there are the people who push the “down” button in the lobby, wander around staring until an elevator arrives, signaling that it’s going up, and hop on. Then, when it starts moving, UP of course, they look around and say, oh, I needed to go down. Excuse me. My kids learned “down” and “up” right about the time they stopped gumming cheerios. And stop pushing buttons. It’s not going to change directions.

Then there are the really important people. They have cell phones. And they like to show everyone how important they really are by talking to people on them. They are also the ones that push the button in the lobby, indicating they would like to actually enter an elevator, and then stand in the doorway, holding it open, while they continue their conversation with the person in the lobby. Oh, you nice, nice man. Do you have any idea what I think of you right now? I didn’t think so.

Finally, there’s my favorite (it was hard to choose). The people who are right outside the stairwell. They break into a full sprint to catch the elevator. To go one floor. Buddy, you just exerted more energy running to catch this thing than you would have taking one flight of stairs.

Did I mention that I am really, really tired?

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