Oh. My. Gawd. I’m dyin’ here. I really am. I have been on the phone for three hours (of course, some of those calls were actually work-related, dammitall) listening to the Jerry Springeresque descriptions of people’s Thanksgivings. I mean geez. My little gathering was so tidy and neat, much like the “over-the-river-and-thru-the-woods” Thanksgivings we sang about as kids. Well, without the snow, the horse-drawn carriages, or the pumpkin pie. Hmmm. Never mind. Any rate. (Note to all of you trying to catch me in a grammatical snafu: That’s not a typo. It’s a reminder of a long-lost acquaintance who was the wordnerd’s worst nightmare. . .she would start a sentence with “any rate,” which made me crazy. Did she mean to say “Anyway, . . .” or “At any rate. . .?” WHICHONEISIT?????) Again, I digress. Ever notice that about me?
So I’m listening to different folks with their horrible tales of gas-inducing dinners — made all the worse by the comment — the one that everyone was dreading someone would make which would then propel the entire party into that free-for-all argument that everyone knew would happen because it does every year dammit — or the meals that some folks never even sat down to because they left in a huff in between before-dinner drinks and the actual sit-down — or something equally horrendous. And it gave me something else to be thankful for. And that’s that I WAS NOT WITH ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE FOR THANKSGIVING!!!! YES! For all the bad luck I swear has come my way this year, I escaped hell! Praise the Lord and pass me a turkey sandwich!

I’ve been there, in the past, you know. Most of us have. You know, when icicles are forming in the dining room? The little snippy comments that come to a full crescendo. The guilt. The exchanged looks as you silently plead with someone, “Please. Don’t. Start.” Aaah. Yeah, you know you’ve been there. Some of us are just lucky enough to escape it once in awhile. Nope, it all bypassed me this year. I’m fat n’ happy right now.

So, how about you guys? Did your “celebrations” get bitten by the evil holiday bug? I hope not. I hope you all had a great break. I really do.

But if not, I wanna hear about it.