Ok, here’s how it is. I know some stuff. I know lots of stuff. And no matter how you try to talk sense into me, whether you’re friend, foe, professor, therapist, or whatever — I’m right. Let’s just get that settled right now so we can move on. That said, I’m going to give the rest of the world (or the eight of you), a list of things you should know — a list of things that will make your life a lot easier because you will spend a lot less time expecting people, places, or things to change. Because they won’t. It’s one of the things I know. I’ve taken the liberty of listing some (not all, because I know tons more) of the things that I think will make life a little bit more, well, livable.
1. Soft rock is the work of Satan.

2. Soft rock infused into on-hold systems that you have to listen to for seventeen straight minutes, only to be interrupted by the electronic bitch telling you that your call is very important, is the work of Satan and a couple of his most powerful demons.

3. Express lanes in supermarkets are nothing but a huge social experiment. You know those black camera bubbles all over the ceiling in the store? They’re up there. They’re up there watching. “Ok. She’s been waiting 18 minutes. Cue the cashier to take her break now.” “Okay, now let’s bring in the lady with 32 items. Add in a couple of crying kids. There we go. I think that’ll do it. Yep. Girl behind her (she sure looks like she knows a lot of stuff, doesn’t she?) is about to snap. Yep. There she goes. “

4. The drive-thru at the bank is only used for long, drawn-out bank transactions. Quick, easy deposits and withdrawals are better serviced inside, or at ATMs that charge you two bucks to access your own money. The people at the drive-thru are busy giving long-term investment advice and taking mortgage applications. Lane three is actually for home mortgage closings.

5. People in the fast food industry are put on this earth to make you cry.

6. Customer service is an oxymoron.

7. Turn signals are pretty.

8. The fact that you are on the phone does not, and will not, ever keep people from starting an in-depth conversation with you. In fact, nine times out of ten, it will only encourage them.

9. Cheez-It White Cheddar crackers are a gift from heaven.

10. Traffic lights are directly affected by what you are doing inside your car. For example, a light that would ordinarily stay red for 45 minutes will change suddenly the minute you get out your wallet to put up your cash from the bank. Or try to scroll through your address book on your cell phone. If, however, you are in a hurry, it will stay on red until your next birthday.

Oh, and 11. Because my lists go to 11.

11. Adam is working waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too hard.

Advertisements