Ok, tell me the truth. Am I a bad mom? Here’s what I did. I despise trick-or-treating. We live waaay-the-hell-out, so we have to drive to a neighborhood for trick-or-treating. All the houses in all the neighborhoods are situated on two and three-acre lots. One street takes a freakin’ hour. When both kids were young, I made the mistake of pulling them in a wagon. Jeeeeez. Thought I was gonna have to go on a ventilator before it was overwith.

So. I bribed one of my kids — the one that is still young enough. I told her that I’d buy all her favorite candy if she wouldn’t trick-or-treat this year. (She’s really on the edge, age-wise.) She was all for it. Now, I could take her to one of those “fallfests” or something, those carnivals that don’t mention the word “Halloween,” but we all know that those are run by scary religious people that think it’s a satanic holiday. That’s not the point I want to make. I’m just tired, dammit, and don’t feel like dealing with all that on a stinkin’ school night.

This way I don’t have to sift thru pounds of candy looking for that one dangerous piece of candy that some vile individual tried to force upon my child. And we aren’t stuck with a ton of those I-don’t-know-what-they-are in black and orange wrapping. You know, the cheap candy. I mean, I end up eating half the shit anyway, so it needs to be good. Now everything is dandy. Except I feel guilty. So discuss among yourselves and make me feel better about myself.

I’m tired, it’s been a long day, and I’m spent from a week of b.s. So this is short and sweet. Enjoy the hell outta your weekend.