Hey! Guess what I got today? An e-mail. It was so sad. Seems this little girl Penny Brown is missing. Mom works for Walmart. They are forwarding her picture in hopes that someone will recognize her and reunite her with her family. . .sigh. I dried my eyes and forwarded that beautiful picture to everyone in my address book, and I hope everyone will do the same. Right after that, I got some incredible photographs — really incredible. Someone just happened to be standing outside when Hurricane KatrinaRita hit Alabama/Mississippi/Louisiana, and they snapped some beautiful photos of the incoming storm. Truly beautiful — forwarded those straight away as well. God, I love e-mail. I have saved many a child from certain death by mailing them 800 old Christmas cards. I haven’t paid for a meal in years — my gift certificates from Cracker Barrel have fed my family for a very long time. Oh, and guess what! I’m turning in my resignation today — all the money Bill Gates and AOL are sending me for forwarding their e-mails (so that they could stop what they were doing and check the numbers on their e-mail trackers) is going to allow me to never have to work again!

I feel so fortunate to have this great resource. The internet (as invented by Gore) has allowed me to reach so many people. I am in personal contact on a regular basis with Mother Teresa. Isn’t it amazing that in the remote hills of Nepal, or Tibet, or wherever, there is a computer that allows the Dalai Lama to create beautiful powerpoint presentations, which he asks that we forward for seven years? Isn’t it amazing that a nun started an e-mail that has not been broken since 1954 — before there was even e-mail? I am amazed and inspired on a regular basis.

I feel much safer on the roads now, too. All I have to do is dial *677 and my life is in the hands of the authorities. I’m so happy, too, that I know not to grab those gasoline nozzles — nobody’s gonna stick an HIV-encrusted needle in THIS chick.

Snopes.com, people. Truthorfiction.com. I’m sure there are more out there. These are the resources that make the internet worth it. Use them responsibly.

Oh. Happy Girlfriends’ Week. Forward this to 10-12 of your closest friends and all your wishes will be granted.