Wednesday’s post (and the comments that followed) got me thinking about things. About food, of course, and all the ways we enjoy it. But it also got me thinking about childhood. Mine. And everyone else’s. And that memory got me thinking. We were made to try things. We were made to eat whatever meal was prepared, whether we liked it or not. If we didn’t like it, we didn’t eat, and that was that.
And I could never, ever do that to my kids.
I have two kids. Mr. Cool eats anything. Miss Priss ATE everything, until she was about 4, and then she noticed things were (a) icky, (b) gross, (c) green, or (d) all of the above. And she shut down. And since that time (she’s almost 12), she has had a list of about six total things she will eat. Total. And Mr. Cool, while he likes most everything, has to be in the mood for certain things. And here is where I have possibly, probably, screwed up. I’ve indulged all of this. I’ve allowed it to happen. And because of this, my kids have always decided what they were going to eat. And until recently, it was up to me to prepare the alternative choice. (They are now old enough and self-sufficient enough to get things on their own, for the most part.)
Until recently, I’d prepare dinner, then prepare a second meal (usually consisting of mac & cheese & chicken nuggets) for Miss Priss. If Mr. Cool wasn’t in the mood for what was prepared, I’d help him find something else. His was usually a variation on what I’d cooked (e.g., take a couple of slices of that night’s roast beef, put them on bread with cheese, etc.) These days, they are both able to manage with minimal help from me. But the point is, that’s three separate meals sometimes.
And it’s not bad, really. I just don’t know if it’s wrong. It’s just that the more I think of times, sitting at the table, being forced to try something, and feeling so powerless, the more I can’t do that to my own kids. And it’s not just with food. There are a lot of things that our parents did that we would never, ever think of doing to our own children.
So I try to draw some sort of a balance between indulging my children’s’ every wish and teaching them valuable lessons. Between respecting them and disciplining them. Between making them happy and making them accountable.
And you know? Like the rest of you balancing parenting, and a household, and a job, and everything else, I just don’t have time to argue the finer points of tasting, just TASTING a damned casserole.
July 27, 2006 at 9:50 am
I think it’s supposed to get you to broaden your food horizons
But it seems that is something that usually comes with age
July 27, 2006 at 10:20 am
Tell them every time you have to cook extra, they have to clean the kitchen.
Which sucks worse, cooking or cleaning? Its hard to say.
July 27, 2006 at 10:24 am
Like you I have one that will eat just about anything and another that could subsist on carbs alone but whenever we have anything new they both have to try a “no thank you” bite which is usually about a teaspoon. If they don’t like it then they can have a sandwich that they have to make.
It works pretty well most of the time and when it doesn’t well then I have to wing it and try not to cause a fight.
July 27, 2006 at 10:39 am
I routinely make 2 meals – one for the kids and one for the adults. Bad bad habit, but one I cannot semm to break, because the hubs and I eat really late and we don’t start thinking about what WE want until at least the kids are done with whatever it is that THEY had…
And because I’ve gotten used to it, it’s fine. Experts say you should eat dinner together, to have time ot talk, so I just hang with them while they’re eating and chat. I dont’ see much of a difference, except that I don’t have to eat pasta and nuggets, and they don’t have to gag down wahtever it is that the grownups are eating!
July 27, 2006 at 10:55 am
My wife occasionally cooks 2 separate meals when the adults’ choice is known to be inedible by mini-mom and devil boy.
Our only rule: “It is forbidden to say that you do not like something if you have not tried it.” If it has been tried and rejected, you will not be forced to eat another bite. But no secondary meal will be prepared. Eat what you can off of your plate. dammit.
July 27, 2006 at 12:38 pm
I grew up in one of those “eat it or go hungry” households. And if we were at someone else’s house? You didn’t even voice that you didn’t like something! I hated it at the time, and I thought I had the meanest mom in the whole world.
But now I’m so thankful she held her ground. Some friends of mine let their kids refuse to eat and would get up and fix them something else. Then they would come to my house or someone else’s and expect us to do the same. I don’t make two meals! (I’m doing good to make one.) Their daughter just got married, and she is frantic because she never learned to eat anything she didn’t like or try anything unfamiliar and she can only make about 3 things. She actually said she wished her parents had made her try more things, because it’s such a disadvantage now.
July 27, 2006 at 1:27 pm
I was going to say almost exactly what trinamick said… I find it difficult to chime in too loudly on this since I’m not a parent and obviously haven’t had to deal with all of the responsibilities and choices that go along with it. But as a person who has prepared meals for family and friends that come over with their children, I can say that there is nothing more embarrassing to both me and the parents than having a young child throw a tantrum because whatever I’ve cooked is so revolting to them. Maybe it’s just a matter of walking that fine line between teaching them to respect and appreciate the effort that you and others put into their meals and understanding that they’ll always have likes and dislikes. Easier said than done, eh?
July 27, 2006 at 2:44 pm
We have the same rule with our kids here as described by Griff. (except that there is a second food available at almost every time, but that’s something as simple as bread and honey).
Me and my DH agree that kids have to show respect by tasting the food their parents produced with their best effort and energy. We don’t eat pre-cooked, or prepared foods in our household, so cooking does mean cooking. We do something and introduce them healthy food, so they should, in return, taste it. I do hope my kids will grow up to know how to prepare various foods. I try to involve them in cooking, but they are not that enthusiactic. But I don’t give up.
July 27, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Black-eyed peas are fairly tolerable if you mix them with a lot of salsa. It’s the only way I’ll eat them. *g*
July 27, 2006 at 4:01 pm
For the first ten years or so of having kids, we sat as a family at the dinner table, eating together. The same meal.
For the past fourteen years or so, it’s been three meal times, if not four, complete with separate menus. Fortunately, my kids are pretty handy about fending for themselves. The whole hunting/gathering thing, I guess.
Nowadays? I cook. Real meals, with real ingredients, from real recipes. And my husband and I enjoy the hell out of dinner time.
July 27, 2006 at 5:23 pm
I can’t get all testy with food either. I don’t jump through hoops to make her happy but, I don’t mind slight variations either. I have much bigger fish to fry….ha! (Tink would love dining with Miss Priss! Her faves too!)
July 27, 2006 at 5:35 pm
I love black-eyed peas, but my daughter has your problem. I tried to force her to eat them when she was nine, and the usual happened. I stopped trying to get her to eat them, finally. How do you feel about hominy? Do you know what that is?
July 27, 2006 at 5:56 pm
Thank you for reminding me, Judy. Hominy is quite possible the most horrible, nasty, vile, disgusting thing I have ever tasted.
July 27, 2006 at 7:21 pm
I had never heard of black eyed peas until I moved south. I don’t deal well with them, either.
I was raised in an ‘eat it or starve’ kind of family. If I didn’t eat it for dinner, it was wrapped up and I got it for BREAKFAST!
As a result, we live by the ‘just try it’ rule around here. Thankfully, Nooze is very easy going. If she had her way, she would be a vegetarian. I have no idea where THAT comes from.
On a sidenote – Blogger should really edit the word verifs. I think it just made me swear.
July 27, 2006 at 8:31 pm
Mph, I kinda like black eyed peas, and hominy (grits) are about my favorite thing ever. I also like okra, sweet potatoes and just about everything else. Maybe you could try just BEATING your kids like a normal mom. The old “floggings will continue until morale improves” trick. Yes, mamn.
July 27, 2006 at 8:45 pm
But you can LISTEN the the Black Eyed Peas on the radio, right?
(Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.)
Seriously, you raise a great point about how to deal with picky-eater kids. And your strategy is a good one. As long as they end up eating something reasonably healthy, we do the same thing.
My wife sometimes cooks different things for different kids. Not all the time, but on those occasions where we’ve determined that it isn’t worth stressing ourselves any more than we already are.
Parenthood is about figuring out when to push forward, when to stand one’s ground and when to relent. And try as we may, we still can’t find the manual.
Sounds like you’re navigating the maze just fine without it.
July 27, 2006 at 8:59 pm
Interestingly enough, Jemima, I HATE hominy (whole, cooked) but LOVE grits. Go figure!
July 27, 2006 at 9:19 pm
I’m a parent that makes their kids try stuff. I’m a picky eater and when I was a kid, I wouldn’t eat anything green unless I had to. Now, however, I do like it. Also, I want my kids to understand how to eat healthy, I really don’t want to pass my weight and cholestrol problems to them. Now here’s the kicker, they aren’t picky eaters. They’ll eat anything, always have. They’ll try anything.
I will not make a seperate meal for them. I have way too much to do than play restaurant. My mother did that for me. I remember her making three different batches of potato salad to satisfy me and my dad. All it did was encourage me to eat the stuff I liked and skip the healthy stuff. Now, if I don’t get my cholestrol under control by October, I go on the medication. And I need to lose 50lbs. So, yeah, I know we want to make our children happy, but they need to learn to eat well.
July 27, 2006 at 9:37 pm
Fortunately, Rene, my kids eat pretty healthy.
Carmi, I do indeed listen to the BlackEyed Peas!
July 27, 2006 at 9:46 pm
well … i gotta go, there’s a blackeyed pea milkshake w/my name on it. HOO YAH
July 28, 2006 at 6:33 am
I guess they just wanted us to be healthy and of course our generation were much less obese….we did eat veggies and milk. I don’t like force feeding but I think it is good to try to get them to pick healthier choices over yummy ones sometimes.
Like you though I could never force one to eat something they absolutely hated!
July 28, 2006 at 6:43 am
We got in the habit of making something our son would like if we were having something he didn’t like, or with which he was unfamiliar. Our pediatrician has consistantly said to stop doing that, and he will learn to try and like new things. We are slowly learning to do this. We don’t MAKE him eat anything he doesn’t want, and we normally provide at least one item in the meal that we KNOW he likes. He doesn’t HAVE to try anything, but if he doesn’t take one bite of everything, then we don’t have dessert. He has tried a lot of new things since we started that.
July 28, 2006 at 7:19 am
Never had blackeyed peas until I moved to Biloxi, and ever since then I LOVE THEM!!!! I pretty much eat everything. There’s only a few things that I am not fond of!
July 28, 2006 at 9:08 am
You know when I was a kid there were very few things that i wouldn’t eat, actually now that I think about it there was nothing that i wouldn’t eat. We were semi poor and everytime my mom put something on the table we ate it, all of it.
Now a days kids have the option of going to Micky Dee’s, eating chicken nuggets, cheese slices and crackers now with that said. Now a days not too many people make fresh bread, homemade anything or pull stuff from their garden.
Like come on how can a kid say no to a fresh garden carrot? You’d have to be drunk from all the trans fat you ingested from the last french fry. lol
July 28, 2006 at 9:57 am
LOL See my thursday thirteen where I mention that my step kids are very picky eaters. So this means there is always different meals for each of the kids. So don’t be hard on yourself
July 28, 2006 at 10:07 am
OMG!!!
I googled black-eyed peas and found out that they are LENTILS, IN FACT. Me and my family LOVES lentils-soup. Yumm.
July 28, 2006 at 10:30 am
Actually, lentils and the black-eyed peas I’m talking about are two different things. I LOVE lentils.
July 29, 2006 at 1:25 pm
Clearly you are spying on my house at dinner time. My four-year old hasn’t been “non-picky” about food since he hit two years old. If we left him alone the boy would exist on peanut butter, cheese, the illustrious nuggest and pasta — with merely a handful of variants. (Like an occasional pea will cross his lips or an apple.)
My daughter – very little she won’t at least try if not eat. Then again, she’s not even two yet.
Argh. Yeah, I tend to make Dinner and “Alternate.” It’s so not a battleground I’m prepared to step onto.